Category: purported to be a condiment or spreadPrice: £1 for 6 tiny packets or £2.18 for a jar, about $6.65 for a jar in the US. Ingredients: yeast extract, salt, vegetable extract, niacin, thiamin, spice extracts, riboflavin, folic acid, vitamin B12 Marmite is a yeast extract spread, similar to the infamous Vegemite in Australia. In their own commercials here in the UK they show a beautiful girl kissing a guy who then spits and gags, and then they pan back to show that she's just eaten Marmite and say something like, "either you love it or you don't." I knew that my husband and his family all detest Marmite, so I didn't want to buy a whole jar of the stuff just to review it. Then I went to Ikea for lunch one day and they had tiny 8 gram packets for all of 10p. So I bought one. Here goes. 
It looks like tar or really thick molasses. It smells like room temperature and possibly rotting roast beef. Once it gets on your finger, it never comes off. And I think I may end up throwing away the knife I used to spread this on a cracker. The packet said that 8g is 2 servings of this crap. So I used about half a serving on the cracker. Then chucked the rest in the trash, since I tasted a bit on my finger, and I don't expect I'll be wanting more later.
That long intro is to put off the inevitable first bite. Okay. I have to do this now. It is absolutely foul and it won't come off my teeth. Help! Where is water? I need water! Okay, so I can't finish the cracker. It is all the worst flavors in the world, concentrated into one devil-spawn foul mix. The texture is like really sticky smoker's lung. Only stickier. It is salty and sour and bitter all at the same time. I think I may cry. The flavor is indescribable, but it is similar to what I imagine it would be like to give a blowjob to a diseased hobo. No, it's worse than that. I don't think I'd have as many scarring memories from a diseased hobo. And at the end of that, at least someone is happy. I think it's safe to say that I'm never ever eating Marmite again. This stuff had to have been invented as a practical joke. Here's what I picture: some guy at a food company said, "You know L. Ron Hubbard? He invented that religion Scientology and admited that he totally made it up, but there are still people dumb enough to follow it. I think we can do that with a food. We'll concoct a foul tar of smoker's lung and yeast poo and market it as a health food. People will buy it and eat it, no matter how nasty it is. I'll bet you £10." And now decades later that guy has his £10 and the rest of the world is stuck with Marmite and Tom Cruise. P.S. It has now been hours since I ate the Marmite, and in between I've had many crackers with mustard and pickles and some onion bahjis and ice cream and coke and I swear I can still taste a hint of this crap in my mouth. It won't go away. I can't believe something that foul is legal. And they feed this stuff to children! You think I'm joking? You think it couldn't possibly be that bad? Go ahead. Buy some from English Tea Store and try it for yourself, if you dare.
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Alana Muir © 2006