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Warning: the following essay contains large amounts of sarcasm and hyperbole. If these concepts are too sophisticated for you, please push the "back" button in your browser now. For the last few years I've been hearing a lot about the "obesity epidemic" in America. I think I have some ideas about how to deal with this problem. First, we need to start with mandatory body fat calculation in all schools and workplaces. Anyone found to have more than 6% body fat shall be legally declared a Fatty. To indicate this status, all Fatties will have to wear an insignia, stitched to their clothing or on an armband. The symbol will be the McDonald's golden arches. They must wear this mark at all times so that the "normal" people know not to associate with them. It shall be illegal for a normal person to start a business with a Fatty and intermarriage between Fatties and normal people is forbidden. It shall be illegal for any Fatty to own their own business or house. For their own good, all Fatties will be required to join a gym, at their own expense. Any Fatty failing to do so will be shipped to a labor camp, where they can work off those unsightly pounds. And any Fatties who have joined a gym, but fail to "work out" for at least an hour 6 days a week will also be sent to the labor camps. In the labor camps, Fatties will be required to do hard manual labor such as digging holes, for at least 12 hours a day, with no food allowed. After all, supermodels survive without food, therefore it must not be necessary for survival. Some will die in the labor camps. This should be considered an acceptable loss, because as Fatties, they are not actually humans, so it is really no big loss. The surviving Fatties can merely bury them in mass graves as part of their own workouts. With no food and 12 hours a day of hard labor, the socially unacceptable pounds will just melt off. Once the Fatties have reached their goal weight, as determined by comparisons to Calista Flockhart and Mary-Kate Olsen, they will be released. But because obesity may be hereditary, they will need to be sterilized before they are allowed back in society. Actually, on second thought hiring doctors and guards and administration to run the labor camps could be costly. It would probably be more cost efficient to simple shoot all the Fatties in the back of the head. And if bullets prove to be too expensive, gas chambers could be employed. No measure it too extreme to put a stop to this horrible plague of fat people. And since no person could possibly be happy when they're fat, we would be doing them a favor. Or, since I am a fat person, how about if the government just LEFT ME THE HELL ALONE. If I was pregnant, the government says that it is "my body and my choice" if I want to murder my unborn child. But God forbid if I want to have a cheeseburger. Clearly the government should step in to stop that kind of behavior. The obese have become the scapegoats for all the problems of America. Poverty? Do a study about why poor people are fat instead of how to help them get out of poverty. Because the fact that they can't afford decent food is obviously secondary to the fact that the food that they can afford is making them fat. Fat people are the only minority in America that it is still okay to hate. Fat people are insulted by the media and pop culture every single day, and no one thinks this is a problem. If someone said, "I've worked my whole life really hard to make sure that I never become gay." that would be seen as incredibly offensive. Replace the word "gay" with "fat" and the person saying it would be congratulated. In a society where it is justifiably illegal to have a "whites only" business, it's still considered a funny joke when a redneck plasters a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker on his car. He'd be beaten within an inch of his life if it said "no black chicks". Alcoholics kill people through drunk driving and drunken domestic violence. Smokers kill people with secondhand smoke. Sluts and whores kill people by giving them STD's or hiring abortion doctors to kill them. Who do fat people kill? Worst case scenario, themselves. And if you believe in freedom, you should believe that I have the right to do whatever I want with my body. As the pro-abortion side is so fond of saying, "It's my body, my choice." The skinny people always respond to this with a list of the diseases worsened by obesity. Women are more likely to get breast cancer, lupus and a hundred other diseases. Should we be starting a movement to eliminate women? In the past, Jews, African Americans, the Irish, homosexuals, and dozens of other minority groups have been singled out as the causes of all the ills in society. Our society is doing that to fat people, and it has to stop. Quit treating fat people like freaks. Quit trying to "cure" us. We'll change when we want to, and it's none of your business if we don't want to change. Believe me, we all know we are fat. We were all reminded that we are fat, ugly and socially unacceptable every single day during high school. In the adult world, we don't need the same treatment from the media. There will never be freedom and equality in this country until all prejudice is unacceptable. Don't judge me by my skin color. Don't judge me by my religion. Don't judge me by the size of my ass. |